RoboCrap: Surrogates Is Really Bad. So Bad I Couldn’t Even Think Of A Creative Headline…

In Jonathan Mostow’s new movie starring Bruce Willis, Surrogates were created to help those less capable to live fuller lives. For example, if you were unable to walk, you could jack into a Surrogate and be on your merry way – skipping, running, par-quoring, jumping up walls and onto cars and other general Spiderman verbs. Surrogates allow you to live a life without pain or risk of dismemberment.

However, even if you were jacked into a beautiful (or handsome) Surrogate, dressed to the nines, happy as a clam, and you walked into the theater to watch this movie, you would STILL feel the brutal force of awfulness hit you at every receptor. The pain would be great, the effect permanent – a catatonic state of “why, oh why!?” wherein you wander the planet alone, aloof and soulless.

Ahem, Surrogates was bad. Real bad. I was hoping that at the very least I would be able to laugh through it and cheer each time Willis picked up a gun. I was wrong. Instead, I was angry, bored, angry, frustrated, confused, bored again and then just sort of baffled. James Cromwell, why do you insist on creating evil future doom all the time? Why do you do it? You know how it will end for cryin’ out loud. You were in I, Robot weren’t you. Okay then, come on!

Before I cease this rant I want to leave you with a final thought. Surrogates can do everything. They run, smile, drive, eat, drink, ski – you name it. Oh wait, there is one thing they can’t do – dance. Yes, apparently the systematic testing of the Surrogates fell short of Dancing 101. In one of the first scenes you are introduced to a Surrogate dance club, and guess what, they are all dancing the robot. Yep, this is that kind of bad.

There, I’m done. If I had a Surrogate right now I would skydive into Michael Ferris and John D. Brancato’s homes (they were the screenwriters) and shake them into submission, all the while screaming “You actually achieved what I once thought was unachievable! You made a bad movie despite the fact that Bruce Willis has a gun in it! How did you do it? How and why?!”