RoboCrap: Surrogates Is Really Bad. So Bad I Couldn’t Even Think Of A Creative Headline…

In Jonathan Mostow’s new movie starring Bruce Willis, Surrogates were created to help those less capable to live fuller lives. For example, if you were unable to walk, you could jack into a Surrogate and be on your merry way – skipping, running, par-quoring, jumping up walls and onto cars and other general Spiderman verbs. Surrogates allow you to live a life without pain or risk of dismemberment.

However, even if you were jacked into a beautiful (or handsome) Surrogate, dressed to the nines, happy as a clam, and you walked into the theater to watch this movie, you would STILL feel the brutal force of awfulness hit you at every receptor. The pain would be great, the effect permanent – a catatonic state of “why, oh why!?” wherein you wander the planet alone, aloof and soulless.

Ahem, Surrogates was bad. Real bad. I was hoping that at the very least I would be able to laugh through it and cheer each time Willis picked up a gun. I was wrong. Instead, I was angry, bored, angry, frustrated, confused, bored again and then just sort of baffled. James Cromwell, why do you insist on creating evil future doom all the time? Why do you do it? You know how it will end for cryin’ out loud. You were in I, Robot weren’t you. Okay then, come on!

Before I cease this rant I want to leave you with a final thought. Surrogates can do everything. They run, smile, drive, eat, drink, ski – you name it. Oh wait, there is one thing they can’t do – dance. Yes, apparently the systematic testing of the Surrogates fell short of Dancing 101. In one of the first scenes you are introduced to a Surrogate dance club, and guess what, they are all dancing the robot. Yep, this is that kind of bad.

There, I’m done. If I had a Surrogate right now I would skydive into Michael Ferris and John D. Brancato’s homes (they were the screenwriters) and shake them into submission, all the while screaming “You actually achieved what I once thought was unachievable! You made a bad movie despite the fact that Bruce Willis has a gun in it! How did you do it? How and why?!”

Reviews in Review – September Books Edition

Weed Man: The Remarkable Journey of Jimmy Divine
By John McCaslin
An account of the unbelievable exploits of a Jimmy Moree – a law-abiding citizen turned million-dollar drug trafficker, who, amidst sometimes unbelievable, hilarious and escalating circumstances, risked life and limb to both make – and give away – a fortune.

I can’t say that I read this book by choice. It was recommended to me by a friend. I also can’t say that I enjoyed it. Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’ve already watched so many drug-smuggling-themed movies, so this offered me nothing new. A mellow guy starts running drugs, gets rich, gets over it, quits and now lives his life. Okay, anything else you’d like to add? No? Sigh.

A Wolf at the Table: A Memoir of My Father
By Augusten Burroughs

I enjoyed this book way more than I thought I would. I say that because after reading and watching the film adaption of Running with Scissors, I decided that Burroughs wasn’t for me – I guess I just don’t dig his style. However, the extremely dark nature of WATT pulled me in almost immediately and in the end the creepy and sometimes horrifying father figure changed my opinion of the author (slightly). It’s quick, it’s scary – it’d be a great October read.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment
By Steve Harvey

“Women should listen to Steve Harvey when it comes to what a good man is about. Steve Harvey dispenses a lot of fabulous information about men. It’s more than the average man will usually tell you. Steve Harvey will give it up.” — Aretha Franklin

Jessica read this book to me and since then I have referenced it almost once a day. Not only are there some incredible quotes, but Harvey has some pretty practical things to say. I know, I know. Look at the cover – you’re not going to pick this one up, are you? Well fine, but know that you are missing out on some great memories.

For example, a few of us brought this book to Mimi’s Café and read it while enjoying a light dinner. The waiter – was his name Joe? – overheard us and couldn’t help but join in the conversation. The result: a close look into the life of our waiter, a lesson learned about why women shouldn’t have to pay for things and an understanding of the “Three P’s.” It’s actually really great.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog
By Muriel Barbey

I came across this book while blindly searching for a new read. I needed something and I needed it fast. So, I looked at some best-seller lists online, walked to Borders on my lunch break and – VOILA! – there it was. The Elegance of the Hedgehog. When I reached for it I had no idea that this book…this book with its awful cover, this book about two women, this book that became a publishing sensation in France, this book that I never wanted to end, this book that has already passed its fiftieth reprint, this book that did end, this book that has been adapted for film with a release date of 2008/2009, this book that was written with the beauty of a camellia… I had no idea that this book would change my life.

As soon as I turned the final page I wanted to begin again. I could honestly talk about TEOTHH all day long. So, if you’re interested please, please, PLEASE go pick up a copy and let’s talk. Everyone deserves to read this. Everyone.

Happy Today, Everyone!

Exclusive ShowShow interview with The Room’s Tommy Wiseau…this calls for Katie to break her No-WTWTA-Until-The-Theater vow.

ShowShow111: Average Homeboyz

Click here to hear!

ShowShow’s 3rd Annual Howloween Spooktacular! *Updated*

Yes, we’re doing it again this year. Here’s the list of films so far…

8 more days 'till Howloween...

My. God. Nic Cage’s Superman Costume Test

There was a time in the mid-90s when, fresh off the success of the Batman franchise, Tim Burton was gearing up to revive Superman for the big screen. As some of you may remember, Nicolas Cage was one of the front runners for the role of the Man of Steel. Here’s what that would have looked like:

Words fail, don’t they?

If you ask it…

At the beach yesterday, Jessica posed yet another question (she’s been really sassy lately). The question came up when we started talking about football movies. She is of the mind that most football movies are trash/dumb/bad. Instead, she prefers baseball films. Her question: can you name a bad baseball movie?

So, I’m throwing it out there to y’all. Can you?

R.I.P. Bohdi

The Popcorn Bucket List

Jessica posed a random question today: “What are the top ten movies you’d watch the day before you died—if you were only allowed to watch movies?”

That’s a tough question and I invite you to share your answers with us. I’m curious to see what people would be watching in the moments before they expired.

My final viewing would include (though probably not in this order):

1. Jaws
2. Joe Versus the Volcano
3. Twister
4. The Wizard of OZ
5. Ghostbusters
6. The Jerk
7. Manhattan
8. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
9. When Harry Met Sally
10. The Shining

Time to share yours…if you DARE!

It’s My Love in a Box!

Mmmmm.
Look at Ryan, all cute and trapped in a coffin. Yes, I will be there.

Variety.com is reporting that actor Ryan Reynolds will next star in Buried, where he will play a civilian contractor in Iraq who gets kidnapped and wakes up in a coffin, buried in the desert, with only a knife, a candle and a cellphone. Sounds a bit like Castaway but in a coffin. And in the desert. And with a cellphone. Production will begin this month in Barcelona, Spain. Rodrigo Cortes will direct.