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Hey Parents, Leave Them Kids At Home

Tropic Thunder managed to steal me away from the Olympics last night. As this was one of the last of the summer movies I had been anxiously waiting for, I felt compelled to spatula my ass off the couch, peel my eyes off the screen and leave Phelps and the men’s gymnastics team with the TiVo babysitter.

Many of you may have already heard that there are some fake trailers and commercials before Tropic Thunder (the film proper) begins. You heard right. It was a great way to introduce the actors that you’ll be following as well as an incredible use of Toby McGuire . Once the actual film starts though it’s hard to say when you start and stop laughing. I feel like rolling chuckles remain consistent throughout—thunderous at times and more restrained at others. Either way, the movie offers you a great time. What’s more, despite Ben Stiller sometimes being an annoying, one-trick, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha-kissing doofus in his films, you really love all of the characters.

For me, it’s a toss-up between Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr.. Black really presents a sack-full of comedic gold in this, and while Downey’s character is immediately hilarious, I feel that upon future viewings I am going to find more and more moments that Black’s character outshines the rest. But, let’s not make this a Black issue.

Let’s make this a fucking poor parenting issue. Yeah, you knew it was coming…this is where I get really fucking aggravated and angry. Now, I know this has been said about a billion times before, but fucking leave your kids at home you rude motherfuckers.

Last night a couple brought their two children (both between 5-8 years of age) to see the R-rated film that started at 8:10 on opening day.

“Nachos! I want some nachos.”

“Where’s the cheese? Hey, gimme that cheese for the nachos!”

“Who is that?”

“Why’s he doing that?”

“I’m tired!”

You’re tired!? No shit you’re tired. You’re a fucking little kid who should be in bed right now instead of watching a movie that says the word “pussy” more times than you should ever have to hear when you’re 6 years old.

I just don’t get it. I don’t understand why these obtuse gorbellied hedge-born skainsmates insist on ruining the movie for everyone around them. When I was younger and I wanted to see an R-rated film, my mom would just bring it home where I could talk and be restless courteously. Is that no longer an option? It’s cheaper than bringing your whole brood to the theater, it saves you gas money and it saves me having to fucking hear the sometimes cute but always irritating commentary from your child.

Apparently Regal offers a paging device at the ticket counter. While most employees don’t ask you if you want one upon purchasing your ticket, if you inquire about it they’ll give you a little device to take with you into the film. This way if there are any issues (picture quality, lighting, sound, screaming-crying-talking-wresting kids) you can page an usher to come correct the problem. You don’t have to miss any of the film and you get a resolution.  Here is an article about the Regal Guest Response System. It’s a little old, but it includes a list of theaters that initially offered the service and you can assume that the great majority of the theaters have since been equipped with the device. If only I had known about that last night.

On that note, I apologize for the livid rant. I guess my point was that you should go see Tropic Thunder and those parents should get kicked in the face.


6 Responses

  1. It HAS to be cheaper to leave your kid at home with a babysitter than to bring them to the movies. Two tickets and snacks adds up quickly. Pay some high-schooler 30 bucks to watch the kids for three hours. Hell, I know some college graduates who would kill for $10 an hour.

  2. The kids in the theatre thing is one of the only things that make me wanna punch someone out. But man, was this in the news? Why haven’t these pagers been heavily advertised? Such a great idea!

  3. That was my exact reaction to the news that these things existed. I had no idea. There was minimal coverage of the initial pager roll-out, but after that there was no additional information.
    Maybe the ushers are keeping it a secret so that they don’t have to become regulators…it’s just a theory.

  4. I don’t know why I’m logged in as writeousman, but that’s cool.

    Hey this is Miles and I was there too, and the mother of that child looked to be about 14 so I’m sure those nachos were the first food to touch her malnourished, inbred lips in weeks. Then again, that’s just a guestimation, because the child would not stop talking about her MOTHERFUCKING NACHOS!

    Anywho, Katie forgot to mention the man who walked into the film alone with a baby, gently cooing, “we’re going to see Tropic Thunder!” as his infant (I’m assuming) flailed it’s two-week-old limbs in the air as if to say, “Fuck yeah we are! Thanks for bringing me, you negligent piece of shit! All the other babies at my pre-pre-pre school (seriously, I’m super fucking young) are going to be sooooo jealous when I tell them I got to see Hollywood’s latest piece of self-reflective satire. You’re the best single father ever!”

  5. I think the pager thing isn’t in the news that much because movie theaters prefer that patrons didn’t act like vaginas about these kinds of problems. That sorry-excuse-for-a-mother would probably never bring her little bastard to another movie again if someone actually said something to her. One brutally humiliating and humbling moment in her life isn’t going to ruin it all for her, and it’ll save hundreds, maybe thousands of other people two hours of frustration time and time again in the future.


    Little Kid: I WANT NACHOS!


    You: Um, excuse me, miss? I hate to rude, but if you can’t keep the noise down, I’m going to “Chris Benoit” the shit out of you and your god damn son. Thanks.

  6. I had to google Chris Benoit, . . . but lol, otherwise.


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