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Blone Wars

By JR Wynne (He’s not pleased)

The part of me that has known and loved Star Wars has been dead for years, and the other day I allowed George Lucas to kick my lifeless body. Jorge’s dream of an all CGI Star Wars has finally been realized. And just as you might expect, it (sucked) came at the cost of a coherent story and script. Some might say that The Clone Wars looks like the longest video game cinematic of all time, but that would be an insult to game developers. Some (most) of the CG in Clone Wars is hideous. The dialogue is terrible (even for Star Wars) and the film doesn’t have a funny bone in its body. I really don’t understand why Lucas is obsessed with computer graphics. This movie is supposed to have the feel of a Saturday morning cartoon, but it feels more like watching your little brother play Lego Star Wars on Playstation.

“George, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a cartoon before, but if you had you would know that illustrated animation can create infinitely more beautiful and elegant environments and characters than CG ever will.”-Yoda

“I…can’t believe it.”-George Lucas

“That…is why you fail.”-Yoda

The story itself doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Jabba the Hutt’s infant son is kidnapped, Count Dooku and the trade federation must compete with the senate and the Jedi to rescue the baby toad in order to gain the Hutt’s allegiance and access to hyperspace lanes in the outer rim which is crucial to the war effort. Later on, Dooku and crew try to frame the Jedi by making it appear that they are the kidnappers. All is well when the toad is finally returned to Jabba and the Sith’s plan is foiled once again. So what doesn’t make sense? How about the fact that the orders for kidnap and rescue (and frameage) are all coming from Palpatine/Sidious. What is the point of wasting all this time, energy, and clones when you control both sides of the coin? So that a race of fat lazy slobs will be pissed off at a race of ultra-wise, ultra-awesome, space warriors? You are a cruel and mischievous one Sidious.

Maybe I’m wrong, maybe the story makes perfect sense, and maybe this movie is alright…yeah…maybe I’m a Chinese jet pilot.

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