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CALENDAR: September Movie Schedule

For your reference(but mostly mine), here’s a list of the upcoming September films we have to look forward to—and ones to avoid like a rotten sheep lying dead in the road covered in much bigger, zombie sheep that look like they might also want to eat you if you approach them (bad movies, in other words). Please plan accordingly.

September 5

Bangkok Dangerous — I feel like this is borderline funny bad, but it may be too close to call. If I get really drunk and someone is willing to drag me off the couch, drive me to a theater and prop me up with something then I may go see it.

September 12

Burn After Reading — Smart people with good taste have been looking forward to this movie for months now. I can’t see us being disappointed.

Righteous Kill — I won’t be there. The trailer alone makes it look like a regurgitated and uninspired attempt to cash in on the dynamic of two actors who play these roles more often than not. There, I said it.

Tyler Perry’s The Family That Preys — Fuck you, Perry.

The Women — The cast is huge, but it could be a really terrible remake.

September 17

Appaloosa — I just saw the trailer for this and it looks great. Of course, I tend to like most westerns, but this one looks pretty, gosh-darn solid. Ed Harris and Viggo? You can’t really go wrong there…except for History of Violence, which I wasn’t a fan of…

September 19

The Duchess — If you know me, you know that I cannot stand Keira Knightly. She’s terrible and I am convinced that she has set out to ruin the things I love most. This includes, but is arguably not limited to, period dramas.

Ghost Town — It looks funny, I’ll see it.

Lakeview Terrace — I’m a police officer. You have to do what I say!

September 26

Blindness — Ruffalo is an adorable plop of cuddly cuteness, and therefore, I will see this.

Choke — This is another one of those movies that smart people with good taste have been looking forward to.

Eagle Eye — Shia, please come live with me. I know that you are going through this phase, having realized Spielberg loves you, where you run around town like a rock star, but when that’s over I’ll be here. When you realize that all you really want is someone to hold and watch Joe Versus the Volcano with, I’ll be here. When you figure out that what you really need is to have someone bake you a cake covered in gummy bears, I’ll be here. And, when you finally see that you’ve always yearned for a person who shares your undying admiration of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, I’ll be here, patiently waiting and pre-heating the oven.


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