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Things You Can Tell About Our Society from the Daily Box Office: A Stream of Consciousness Type of Morning

1 Beverly Hills Chihuahua $1,356,565
2 Eagle Eye $1,144,466
3 Nick And Norah’s Infinite Playlist $693,010
4 Nights In Rodanthe $582,207
5 Appaloosa $488,451
6 Fireproof $321,016
7 Burn After Reading $316,479
8 Lakeview Terrace $312,776
9 Religulous $281,510
10 Blindness $162,983

1 We love dogs. We love family movies about singing dogs. We love these movies because we can drop our children (whom we resent) off at the theater and forget about them for awhile.

2 We realize that we are being watched by everyone. People don’t approve of the way we raise our children in theaters, stuffing them full of buttery popcorn, sugary sweets and cola. We feel trapped. We feel paranoid.

3 We love music. We love that kid who reminds us that we used to be young and uncomfortable around the opposite sex. We can identify with him and his sloppy, striped t-shirts. Ah, to be young again.

4 Romance is dead. We thought we wanted to see two older people finding love, but we were wrong. Where is that young kid with the kind face? Let’s see that again.

5 When we were young we dressed up like cowboys. We shot at each other with plastic guns while wearing sharp silver Sheriff stars on our sloppy, stripped t-shirts.

6 We are on fire. How did we get on fire? Our sins – that’s how. We are on fire and the only thing that can save us is religion – religion and Kirk Cameron. We are pretty sure he is has direct contact with our God. He puts out fires and saves families, but not his marriage. We can identify with that. We want to be Kirk Cameron.

7 We just read Kirk Cameron’s favorite book, the Bible. We don’t like it, so we burn it.

8 We realize that we can’t trust anyone – even the police – even Samuel L. Jackson. He seemed so nice. He was always so charming. We see that those hills in the background are on fire. Uh oh, now we are scared about what will happen to us. Maybe Kirk Cameron was right. Why did we burn that book and start this crazy wildfire of cynicism and disbelief?

9 Oh, that’s why. It’s all in our heads. We are so silly. What were we thinking listening to Kirk Cameron? He’s a loon.

10 We believe that ignorance is bliss. Forget religion, Sam Jackson and those adolescent fantasies of re-living our first kiss. We would much rather just drop the brats off with these dancing mutts and call it a day. We say “FUCK YOU” to the people who judge our parental skills. Are the kids safe? Are they behaving themselves? Are they learning something new and beneficial? Who cares, we just bought ourselves an hour and a half of silence in the parking lot.

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