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Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking…

An Editorial by Captain C.B. Sullenberger
Found and Shared by Conor
HodgeBlodge Stewardess

Yo, this Sully. The Hudson Hero. The Airbus Boss. Captain C.B. Sully Sullenburger to you. Yeah, no big deal. In case anybody forgot, I recently landed an Airbus 320 passenger jet packed with 153 souls into the Hudson River with zero – goose egg – nada – less than one – absolutely none – not a single fucking fatality. But again, not a big deal. It’s only been 45 fucking years since a dude equaled such a feat. Whatevs.

You know, if this feat had been equaled in, say, the last 40 years, I wouldn’t give two shits about it. If a multi-dozen ton airliner had been plowed into the harsh, filthy waters of the Hudson River, sans tragedy, I would say hey, no biggie. Fuck it, you know? But it has been goddamn near 50 years since that shit went down, son!

Poser JerkAnd that brings me to Captain Richard Phillips of the Liberty Sun. Yeah, the “captain” had to be rescued from pirates. And not even real one’s. It was these new-fangled, weird aluminum flat-bottom boat pirates. I’m sorry, it’s just that in my line of work, the captains are the ones doing the rescuing, ya feel me?

In my moment of crisis, my face off with death – the moment I went all in against the forces of nature – all I had at my disposal was sheer grit. My larger than average, manly hands, pulsing with the icy cool blood of a champion, gripped the wheel and steered it to glory. It was just me against the geese. In essence, I saved everyone’s ass with nothing but raw balls. Raw balls.

Now look, I’m not saying I’ve gone without my accolades. Keys to the City of New York. Presidential Commendation. A $3.2 million book deal. The coin toss at the Super Bowl. Blow Jays. These are the spoils of a hero. But then what happens? Some dude gets kidnapped by a bunch of other dudes who as kids starred in those Sally Struthers commercials, has to be saved by the finest warriors in history, and we’re supposed to shit ourselves with adulation? Please.

The sullsterSo, I guess my point is, eyes forward, people. It’s me. SULLY. Just look at my stylish photo above, compare it one of some bearded salty package courier, a guy who got straight taken by a bunch of skinnies in inner tubes, or something, and you’ll remember what’s up. I mean, not my plane, just my notoriety. This is Sully, and I’ll be your captain – on our flight to destiny.

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